


Learned to Live, Half Alive

by MoonlightShines (Thatkillervibe)



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Existential Crisis, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:26:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22220005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatkillervibe/pseuds/MoonlightShines
Summary: Cisco stared down at the open suitcase on the bed in a muted kind of shock. He didn’t even feel raw about it. Distantly, he wondered if during the last day or so he’d dissociated from his body.
Relationships: Cisco Ramon/Caitlin Snow
Comments: 3
Kudos: 22





	Learned to Live, Half Alive

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ciscoscaitlin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ciscoscaitlin/gifts).



> @Ciscoscaitlin dared me to write angst.

Cisco stared down at the open suitcase on the bed in a muted kind of shock. He didn’t even feel raw about it. Distantly, he wondered if during the last day or so he’d dissociated from his body. 

_I want you to leave._

He packed slowly, folding his clothes so that everything would fit. There might have been boxes in the basement, he had promised months ago he’d weed through the pileup of junk there but never got around to it. Now he never would. Breathing felt easy. There were no tears. No heartbreak. But the numb, that had yet to leave. 

The clothes he had stacked neatly, one at a time. There were other things that would need to go too. But most of it he sold when he moved into Kamilla’s apartment. It was so eerily incorrect; his mind started to play tricks. Every creak became her footsteps. Every thud was a new figure lurking. And in the span of a ten-minute conversation, his home was anything but.

_Why?_

A few minutes later, the door swung open, and his ex-girlfriend did walk in. “I’ll bring the rest of your stuff to Central City Citizen to give to Iris.”

“Okay,” he said, looking at her.

_Because. I spent my day at Star Labs, and it clicked, how you changed. What you hide. You don’t really love me._

“Where are you going to stay?”

“Caitlin’s.”

_The worst part is, I know you didn’t mean to. You really tried. And I could act like I never saw it and be oblivious to the other Cisco you left behind. But he’s not the person you fabricated here in our home. My home. This isn’t healthy for me. Trust me, Cisco. I’m doing you a favour._

She hasn’t been Caitlin for a long time. But she’ll come out for him if he asked seriously.

Kamilla drew in a breath. The jaw of her kind face ticked as she nodded. Cisco noticed and realized something about her for the first time. He didn’t know how to ask. Didn’t think he’d have the right to.

~.~

Caitlin did double-take at his only suitcase. There should’ve been at least another one of just spare parts he’d litter around his house from his inventions. His old apartment, at least. The one he sold. When she asked about it, he shrugged.

She gave him a sympathetic smile and her arms opened. Cisco took the hug immediately, sinking into her embrace. He didn’t know how much he needed it until he realized they were standing in the middle of her living room for over five minutes.

He insisted on sleeping on her couch. Caitlin dragged him into her bed instead.

They lied there awake in the dark on separate sides, staring at the ceiling. Cisco existing outside of himself. Caitlin on standby.

“How did I get so wrong?” 

“You wished yourself away,” she said so quietly, Cisco didn’t think he heard it properly. “Cisco.”

“What?”

“When are you going to stop pretending?”

Cisco frowned. “Pretending what?”

“That you don’t want everything you do.”

“Like what?”

“Well…” Caitlin trailed off before clearing her throat and starting again. “Vibe. Power. Recognition.”  
  


“I don’t—” he tried to lie.

“—Me,” Caitlin finished. 

**Author's Note:**

> I was looking at the Jar of Hearts lyrics and flipped the context of the chorus around completely. 
> 
> Who do you think you are?  
> Runnin' 'round leaving scars  
> Collecting your jar of hearts  
> And tearing love apart  
> You're gonna catch a cold  
> From the ice inside your soul  
> So don't come back for me  
> Who do you think you are?


End file.
